I have a thing for hipster bars

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that I've been really hard on the DC restaurant scene in the past. Seems to me like they're contrite because they have to appeal to both left (communist) and right (boring) sensibilities in a town like Washington.

So that seems to be the problem with the "nice" restaurants. Every place that's no-frills, or cheap, has been at least decent, and a couple have been really good.

I was in DC this weekend for work. My twin brother, who is much a more talented writer than I, and better looking to boot, lives in DC with his wife Javi. The three of us get along for lots of reasons - a shared mistrust of politicians, a desire for the snow to go away, and a love for food that some would call perverse.

Anyway, they fed me a couple of times and gave me a couch to sleep on one night.

Before I get to the restaurant portion of this blog, I must tell you of one place that's starting to feel like home to me in DC - the Capitol Lounge, at 229 Pennsylvania Ave. SE. We've been a handful of times, and their pub fare is decent, affordable and touts the right amount of grease. Also, they have Dale's Pale Ale on tap, and that makes me feel right at home.

It's apparently a Michigan State bar, and that's okay, because while I might prefer U of M, most of the people inside are nice folks, a welcome relief from the DC bar scene.

Anyway, food. On Sunday night, we ended up at a place called Bar Pilar. Everything about this place screams hip, and when we sat down and had an immediate problem with our waitress, I was thinking, "Here we go, again." After receiving our drinks, the place started to fill up and our waitress went from late to absent. But that's DC, so I won't mention her again. We tipped her well, cause God Bless Her, SHE WAS TRYING SO HARD, but there's only so much of being ignored you can take.

I was pleasantly surprised at the food, though. We all shared plates, and the portions, while small, were reasonably priced. Javi: Cremini mushrooms that reminded me of the county fair and a Shrimp risotto that only I liked. (Andrew said it was too creamy. Javi didn't say much about it at all, which means she just wasn't a big fan.) Andrew: Caramelized Exotic mushrooms that were really earthy and meaty. Duck Confit in a homemade dijon mustard, cooked fantastically with a crispy outside and juicy in. Me: Roasted potatoes with rosemary and a lemon-garlic aioli. The potatoes were cooked well and flash fried in what tasted to me like a thinned down bacon fat. And I also had suckling pig that almost caused me to forget how far I was from home.

They both loved it, and so did I, aside from the minor freakout I had about almost losing my wallet. "The food's probably the best I've had in DC so far," Andrew said.

I second that emotion. It's sort of close to one of the many bad parts of town, and in the middle of being gentrified. Dangerous! But it's worth the drive to NW, and it's worth wading through the scarf-wearing, tight-jeaned, let's-drink-PBR crowd. Lots of times, these people will eat any old thing if it's moderately priced and they hear from their dealer that "it's good," but this time, these hipsters are lucky that the chef of Bar Pilar actually cares about the food he's serving to a bunch of ironic JD Salinger disciples. Me included.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Tonight I made a new best friend.

His name is barbacoa.

Let me explain. I've lived in this valley off and on for 21 years of my life. I was here before Carbondale was trendy. Before we had a Target. Before you couldn't find a one-bedroom apartment for less than $1500.

But before all of that, and before me, there was probably a carniceria.

What a shame that it took me such a long time to figure out where one was: 15 minutes away, in Carbondale, by the liquor store and the Family Dollar and by a place that, I guess, installs woodburning stoves. In between all those things is a little bit of perfect. There are three bowls on the plastic picnic tables: onions, limes, cilantro. There are three bottles of salsa (chipotle, green-hot and really hot). There are sodas in glass bottles. There are chicharrones and menudo in glass cases. You can buy a pig head for $20. This is a real butcher shop that happens to have a menu, and happens to make the best tacos I've ever had in my life.

Fresh meat is good meat. I'm a firm believer in that. I don't know how much of it is local, but all of it is hand-cut. And if it looks that good in the case, it's roughly 12473 times better cooked. I got two barbacoa tacos with fresh avocado. My dad got a carne asada burrito.

Both came on fresh tortillas (me: corn. him: flour). I love pork so much I am considering going all Top-Chef-Kevin and getting a pig tattooed on me, and this pork did not disappoint. Slightly sweet/spicy barbecue...amazing. And only $1.60 per taco. Suck it, Chipotle.

Dad's burrito: I think it weighed maybe 6 lbs. And 5 lbs. of that was steak. The remaining pound of burrito was homemade refried beans, onions, avocado, cilantro, salsa verde and queso fresco. Note that not one of those ingredients is rice. And then note that the burrito costs $6.50. Suck it, Qdoba.

So, basically, my plan is to go back until I've tried everything. Except maybe the menudo. You can choose from upward of seven meats, combined into magical creations including tacos, burritos and quesadillas. I'm going to try all of them. Except maybe the tripe. You can also get about eight different kinds of tortas and a lot of things I couldn't read because I don't read Spanish (taking French in high school finally reveals its downfall).

And extra plus: there's a tortillaria next door, so you can pick up some delicious souvenirs. And who doesn't love eating under a collection of giant pinatas?

A short postscript about Cheetos: Here at Eatface, we have determined through extensive research that crunchy Cheetos are texturally a meal unto themselves, while puffy Cheetos are best enjoyed with a robust sandwich. This, of course, is a matter of personal preference. Not a matter of personal preference: Cheetos are the best snack food ever, and I'm not ashamed to say that. Own your love of artificially-orange food. Your life will be better for it.

Chowing in Chicago

Behold a gallery of Zach eating, with super sleuth notes.

Date/Time: Nov 11th, Mid Evening Time
Location: De Cero
Deliciousness Consumed: Duck Enchiladas (note: not on menu)

Date/Time: Nov 12th, 6:30 PM

Location: Flattop
Deliciousness Consumed: Various mixtures of meats, fake meats, vegetables, noodles, rice and sauce. Approx. 3 bowls and numerous flat breads.

Time/Date: Nov. 13th, 10:50 AM
Location: Hot Doug's
Deliciousness Consumed: Alligator Hot Dog, Keira Knightly (firedog) and Cheese Fries


Also See Unaccompanied Food:

Spotted at De Cero
Possible Suspect: Taco collection: Mahi Mahi Special, Avocado, Flank Steak, Duck
Most Likely to be Eaten Again: Flank Steak, Duck
Suspected Accomplice: Hibiscus Margarita

Spotted at: Hot Doug's
Possible Suspects: BLT Hot Dog with Avocado Aoili and Mini Bagel Dogs with Tots
Observed Suspicious Activity: Hot Dog actually made with bacon


Private Eye Conclusions:

~De Cero is a delicious hot spot of activity. Margaritas are strong, duck is luscious and tortillas are freshly homemade.
~Long Line at Hot Doug's can only be avoided by arriving before opening time (approx 30 min).
~Mixing too many flavors at Flattop can lead to flavor overload and taste-bud exhaustion.

You shuffle with your head down

I've always found DC restaurants to be a lot like their transient population - always a little bit in a hurry, a little bit like the congressional staffer at 5 p.m., and like the politicians and their aides that infest it, they talk a big game with little substance. You shuffle with your head down, slowly talking into your phone and you end up eating what's in front of you.

It's pretty much the same every place you go. My last trip to DC was 2 1/2 months ago for my brother's wedding. There's a lot to like (but not love) at some places, and in other places, not so much. DC has a burgeoning young population - but again, if you ask me, they don't have really good taste. (With the obvious exceptions of my brother and my sister-in-law, who are great hosts, and even better people to put up with my constant complaining and pretentious way of analyzing food.)

Anywho, it doesn't take much to impress someone who is a starry-eyed aide for a congressperson - they're already impressed by the egomaniacal rantings of political sociopaths.

Anyway, this was a quick trip, and we hit two restaurants during our time. We hit a third in Fado, which I don't consider a restaurant as much as a chain bar, in the style of Baker Street or Cheers. If you've eaten at one Fado, you've eaten at them all. I assume readers of this blog like food or drink, and will have been to one in their lifetime. My experience at Fado is: Dark, chainy, and Smithwick's. That experience has been had a million times by a million people around the country.

Friday night, we went to a place called Matchbox. People seem to like this place, and I guess for DC fare, it stands out amongst the places that don't have to try so hard. One gripe I have is the cover of the menu is made out of wood. Carved into it, the Matchbox logo.

I guess when I see stuff like that, I expect a more business casual atmosphere, which this place (in the middle of Eastern Market, yuppie central) did not have. It kind of seemed like it wanted to go that way, but just can't quite pull itself up like an Italian restaurant that, as its owner, is trying to escape its immigrant past.

Beer: My server seemed to think "I don't know" was a good option when I asked her to recommend a beer on tap. Alright. Either way, she (eventually) suggested Allagash White, an unfiltered witbeer. Allagash is a Maine brewery, and we don't get a lot of that in Denver. I liked it, kind of pale, kind of fruity, very spicy for a wit. Good head, good lace. Not strong, very drinkable and actually went really well for the meal I ordered.

Everything about this place screams "For God's sake, don't order a steak! Please, order the sliders! THEY'VE GOT ONION STRAWS!"

So the clientele, the menu, the server - I really wanted their sliders to be bad so I could write a bad review all thew way around. But I'm sad to report - they were actually very good. It could do with less onion straws, but they were cooked exactly how I ordered them, the buns were lightly buttered underneath the hood, and the gorgonzola on top was just enough.

Damn you, Matchbox. Your sliders got me. Now I have to suggest you.

(Aside: Eastern Market has a wide assortment of restaurants. I've been to 3 now, and my favorite is still Las Placitas, owned and operated by Salvadorians. Any place that bills its weekly flea market as having vendors "from 5 continents" might be a little bit pretentious. I mean, obviously they have people coming from Africa EVERY WEEK to sell their wares to DC residents. That's not that far to go to sell a few prints or handwoven caps.)

On the day I left, we had brunch at a place called Hawk and Dove on Capitol Hill.

Now this is my speed - divey, but not quite dangerous. I had a sausage and cheddar cheese omelet. Aside from being an 8-egg omelet as opposed to the more standard 3-egg, their coffee was decent, their homefries greasy enough. But I didn't like the Bloody Mary (WAY too much pepper) and that's a dealbreaker for me.

Allegedly, Hawk and Dove's food is not its strong point, and I have to agree. Seems like it might be an okay place to drink. I've been to worse places here in Denver.

Starting to look like I'm going to be coming to DC a bit more in the next year or two. I better start finding better places to eat, or this town is going to get real old, real fast.

Bill O'Reilly would be proud

So I work in Arvada currently, and there's a place we go to fairly often for lunch, although, I'm not really sure why.

This place is called The Sultan Grill, and I'm convinced that it is the only Middle Eastern food in a 5 mile radius. I've had a few different things here, and I'm always surprised that the place isn't a little bit more busy.

Yelp denotes it as another one of those "3 1/2 star" places. The best way to describe 3 1/2 star places are "tweeners." In basketball, it's drafting a guy who could go either way - he could be a star or a bust. In west Arvada, a tweener is just as hit or miss - somedays, it's good. Somedays, not so much.

Today, it was good.

I usually order the Gyros Sandwich combo, which includes a gyro, french fries and a drink for $7.25. Sometimes the meat is a little too greasy, and sometimes the tomatoes are a little squishy, but for $7.25, it's better than fast food. And it's a nice change of pace from regular office lunch spots like Chipotle or Qdoba.

Try the hummus - it's not exactly what I think of when I think hummus, but it's tons better than the store-bought kind. And they give you plenty of pita to go along with it when you order it as an appetizer.

For my money, though, the Falafel is what this place has going for it. You don't get good falafel like this at a lot of places in Denver (unless you're Bill O'Reilly, that is).

So what? I have a thing for chickpeas.

Channel the writing skills of Peggy Hill: If you're ever in the vast desert of Arvada and are looking for a place to eat, take a stop at this oasis.

What's with the peas?

No seriously.

So I'm on a quest, a quest for tasty really cliche"Mexican" food in my neighborhood (that being Uptown/Capital Hill, Denver). I will never claim to be a good Mexican food critic. While I did eat amazing food in Mexico it didn't stop me from loving the taco/refried beans/rice combo platters upon my return. Also I am a giant wuss and my nose runs at the sight, yes the sight, of spicy food.

I have frequented Las Delicas in Uptown quite a few times and have never really been impressed.

Last night I gave a new place a try. Benny's on 7th and Grant. I ordered the Tamale Dinner (Two pork tamales smothered with chili verde, refried beans and rice). This is where the peas come in. You know I just don't understand why Spanish rice sometimes has peas in it. Granted I think peas are absolutely disgusting, in any form, but they look even worse, if possible, in that rice. I've never heard someone get rice without the peas and exclaim, "WTF, where are the peas?!" So, I don't think anyone would miss them, even if they are insane enough to like them. They look gross. Have they been frozen and heated up multiple times? Where do those odd dimples come from? Traumatic shipping? Too much botox? This is something I'll never get over and it transcends into other food types, see: fried rice. I will move on, unwillingly.

The tamales were fine. The refried beans were good, so refried that there was little hint of bean texture. I'm not saying that's classy but I am saying that's how I like it, liquid bean with cheese, yum. The bits of rice that I got while picking around the peas were fair as well. The best was the chili verde. I wanted more of it. I wanted to make a soup of chilie verde and refried bean liquid. I could die happy. Granted, the chili is probably too mild for the spicy fan but it did come with actual chunks of green chilies and I accidentally put one in my mouth and much to the embarrassment of my dinner companion had to spit it back out, that or suffer death by mouth burn. Luckily this guy didn't see me shaming my state like that as he walked inside. If I lived in California I could make some not so clever remark here like "I'll be back, to Benny's" but alas, perhaps I'll just ride my bike there again soon without any well known tag line.

Hats in the Highlands, I mean Ice Cream.

Hold on to your Hats!

I found something I like, in the Highlands (of Denver that is!). Yes, it's okay to gasp now.

Mmmmm Ice Cream. Bicycle rides to ice cream. Served out of a giant milk can. Served by people wearing silly paper hats of the ol' days. A discussion decided that people are just nicer when wearing those funny paper hats. Then I decided that anyone who has to take a court ordered anger management class should be forced to wear paper hats everywhere, I'd like to see someone being an ass in a hat like that, haha an asshat!

Anyway, it's called Little Man Ice Cream. It made me feel like I was doing something summer-y, perhaps on a boardwalk. The Cupcake ice cream was tasty as were the extra sprinkles. The summer night was lovely. The hats were the tops.

A Side of Meat, Bitte

For a perfectly traditional Swabian dinner go to Stuttgarter Staeffele, in Stuttgart Germany, that's an order.

They had an amazing appetizer garden salad that came with potatoes hiding under the other vegtables, jackpot! The only thing that kept me from eating all of the salad was the knowledge of what was to come (this was my second glorious visit). Feel free to order the potato cakes with homemade applesauce for an appetizer, the Germans may laugh at you and tell you it's a dessert but if you don't eat it first there is no way you'll be able to at the end of the meal. That's thinking ahead, meine Fruenden.

Do yourself a favor and order the a bit of it all platter (loosely translated). It's gigantic and completely worth it. It's delicious pork, beef, sausage, spaetzle, potatoes and probably more that I can't remember because my mouth is watering and stealing liquid from the area around my brain.

The traditional red wine is served in a short glass mug and is very potent as the people in the car who had to listen to my Enrique Iglesias renditions for thirty minutes would testify to, weeee!


This place is great because the food is face-stuffing good, the place is tiny and feels like an old wine cellar and best of all I walked by the kitchen and who was cooking? A round, old, German lady! That's authenticity!

English Food isn't bad...

just expensive and not exactly English.

Exhibit A:
Cote Bistro, French









Grilled Artichoke

Roast Duck Breast with Gratin Potatoes



We found this place just wandering around starving and such. What a happy surprise. The artichoke was on the specials menu and the duck is on the regular menu. Both were exceptional, as were the two bottles of wine, don't worry we still found our way back to the hotel. This method of wandering while hungry only worked out this well once, I suggest other methods of finding food. We went the to location in Kensington but luckily it is a London chain and has many locations throughout and outside of the city.

Exhibit B:
Ping Pong, Dim Sum

I have never had dim sum before, at all, so I don't have a point of comparison but I thought it was really delicious. I have, however, had a few cocktails before and can say quite confidently that their drinks were like nothing I've ever had before. The first was the Lemongrass and Lime made with Finlandia vodka, fresh lemongrass, lime and lychee juice, really tasty. The other drink that we attempted is called a Tennessee Tea Tingle the description for this reads "Jack Daniels, Cointreau and lemon juice topped up with Pepsi. Enjoy the electric feeling from the Sechuan buds!!!" Let me tell you, while the Whiskey may come from Tennessee I'm not sure the Sechuan buds would be legal there. After chomping one down and having my mouth tingle, burn then go numb we asked the waitress about these "Sechuan buds." The only information she had was that they come from Amsterdam, enough said. That's my younger brother up there, double fisting like a champ.

We ordered a lot of Dim Sum the list is: chicken puff, spinach and mushroom dumpling, spinach and prawn wrap, chicken and cashew nut dumpling, vegetable bun, chicken and black pepper spring roll, lemon chicken, honey glazed ribs, and crispy asparagus. I must say, I did crinkle my nose at the steamed vegetable bun but I take it back it was great, I recommend it, that's right, I just recommended something with vegetables.

Ping Pong, like Cote, has numerous locations, making these eateries easy to fit into your sightseeing schedule.

Big Burgers by Jim.

In my treasured tradition of eating things as big as my head, I give you, Jim's Burger Haven.


Needless to say, the Large Burger is, in fact quite large. It tastes good, nothing terribly special. The fries also good. The onion rings were tasty and perfectly crunchy, I'd pick them over the fries. I also had a chocolate shake. Because I have a weakness for BK Milkshakes I sometimes forget that *real* milkshakes don't just taste like melted soft serve. Jim's Milkshakes are the real deal. Actually I'm quite sure the entire place is the real deal.

Not to brag...

...but I'm kind of a badass.

A piece of Durian, right before I ate it, swallowed it and ate more.




A video of Andrew Zimmern spitting Durian out.

Let there be Orange-colored Sauce

17th Ave in the Uptown area of Denver offers many a tasty restaurant. In the event that you, like Zach and I did, wander down the street looking for something other than the usual haunts wander a long way down (yes as hard as it may be to pass Pasquini's). Then you too can have something along the lines of this...

Seco de cordero:
Lamb Stew with Rice

Atun con tacu tacu y aguaymanto:
Ahi Tuna with Lentil cake (and orange-colored sauce of the Gods)


Plato de Crema Quemada:
Flavors: Mocha, Mojito and some fruit we couldn't remember and coconut.

All this can be had at the Peruvian-fusion restaurant: Limon, 1618 E 17th Ave, Denver.

Zach liked his Lamb Stew but thought the rice was a little off. I ate a lot of the onions out of his stew and thought they were quite lovely. My Ahi (you know it's mine because of my awesome dining out attire of a Beatles' hoodie) was really good. Zach thought he didn't like fish and he even liked my Ahi, hopefully this will be a culinary turning point for him. It may have been the magic orange sauce that came with it. Not that it's the case here but I think that sauce could make almost anything (food and perhaps a twig) taste delightful. The lentil cake-thing also pleased me a great deal. Now I really don't want lentils in a different format ever again .

If our entrees look a bit small to you, that's because they are. Limon offers a half-sized option on most of their entrees. Good if you, like we, haven't quite reached baller status or would rather save room for dessert.

The presence of a dessert here is a special occurrence. I very rarely order a dessert. I think the combination of lower priced and mouthwatering entrees, Zach the splurger and ONE wicked strong Sangria (can we say cheap date?) all combined to make that Creme Brulee appear in front of me. My personal favorite was the mystery fruit and coconut and I don't even like coconut. It was terribly interesting a bit like an adventure for the mouth. The first taste is the sweet/burnt of the sugar and fruit followed by a very subtle coconut. I'd say it was downright fun to eat.

My thrill for this restaurant grew as my friend who returned from Peru recently explained to me that the food he ate there with the locals was actually quite bland. Therefore I can only conclude that orange-God sauce was a product of the fusion, thank goodness for food physics.

The Second-Saddest Place on Earth

Detroit might have it nailed down in the "saddest place on Earth" category, but Albuquerque could close in on it if it doesn't watch its back.

I'm in town for a business trip, leaving tomorrow for the happiest place on Earth, Disney World (duh). But for the moment, I'm in the Hyatt business center (Hyatt=very nice rooms, good pool, decor circa 1993), and here I will recount a little tale about my time in Albuquerque, NM.

I got here and thought, "Hey, not so bad!" It was a reaction spurred by not-so-stellar reviews of the city from, well, pretty much everyone who had been here before me. It was warm. It looked like they had some urban renewal projects going on. There were trees by my hotel. There seemed to be things within walking distance. But soon, my hopes were dashed. To summarize:

Biggest Disappointment
Brazilian food at Tucanos. Turns out this is a chain restaurant, not quite what we had in mind. Anyone remember the Mongolian BBQ in Boulder? This place was that place, only with large skewers of meat instead of grills. And a super wierd salad bar that contained things like garlic mashed potatoes juxtaposed with quail eggs and beef stroganoff. Hm. Also, beware of Tucanos if it is your birthday. They will bang lots of congas and sing in something that I must only assume is Brazilian. There were a lot of birthdays that night. However, local beers were on tap and I had an IPA from the local Marble Brewery which was really quite good. And the old Route 66 area is pretty cool - old neon signs and the like, but not somewhere a lady should be alone at night.

Biggest Fun Surprise
There is a HUGE brigade of bicycle-riding policemen in Albuquerque. This didn't make up for the fact that the 7-11 closed at 9 (as opposed to, you know, 11) or that I counted five passed out drunk dudes and a puddle of vomit in the five minutes it took to walk to the 7-11. Remember how I was heartened by the urban renewal? I think they forgot to finish it.

Biggest Historic Sighting
We ate dinner at the Church Street Cafe in Old Town, which is housed in what the menu claims may be the oldest building in Albuquerque (early 1700s!). Very cool little place with a nice patio and tasty sangria. Sadly, not the best Mexican food, particularly if you enjoy things that are spicy, or, for that matter, things that have salt in them. Nice ambiance, though. Old town is also super cute in the tourist way and there's lots of shopping, some of which is wicked cool, like Santisima - seriously one of the most interesting stores I've ever visited; made me wish my suitcase was way bigger and I was way richer.

Biggest Not-Fun Surprise
My dining companions and I were chilling on the corner waiting for the bus when, out of nowhere, a little to-go side order of salsa flew out a car window as the passenger of said car let out a maniacal cackle. Salsa was everywhere, the carnage smelled of jalapeno. I avoided the drive-by salsing but others weren't so lucky. Then we got on a bus that had a big ad across the ceiling that said, simply, "AIDS." I later saw a bus with a similar sign advertising "SYPHILIS". Wtf.

Biggest Delight
Get ready for a shameless plug. Coworker and I lunched at a restaurant owned by two of our (now married) culinary grads called Cafe Green. It's a French breakfast and lunch joint that had the most delicious (and beautiful) chicken salad sandwich I have ever laid eyes on. Crispy French baguette, cranberries, cucumber, walnuts, hard boiled egg, chives, salt and pepper. Simple and delicious; plus it came with a side of truffle fries. Joy! The menu rotates seasonally based on what is fresh and local. If you ever find yourself here, get there sometime before 2 p.m. and eat well.

Fast Times

So yeah, we went to some nice restaurants in Vegas (see accidental awesome wine post).

But we also see Vegas as another kind of food Mecca. It is where the best fast food in the world lives. Fast food worth paying for cabs; fast food worth braving the heat; fast food that will change your life.

Or at least it will if you live in Colorado and don't have regular access to In 'n' Out and Nathan's.

The Happiest Hamburger in the World.

There are a few things that make In 'n' Out's food pretty awesome. Most important: Everything is fresh. Crispy lettuce, thick tomatoes and onions, fresh cut fries.

Buns are toasted.

Special sauce is present.

You can get like 5 hamburger patties on a burger if you want, I think.

Also: don't miss the milkshakes.

And if you're a huge burger dork, you can unearth In 'n' Out's secret menu. I personally stick to the basics...it's kind of not worth trying to make it better.

In true Vegas style, In 'n' Out Las Vegas is graced with a giant neon sign, so it'snot hard to find. But remember: even though it looks like it's close to the Tropicana, it's really not. Take a cab. Seriously. Food will only be like $5. Don't kill yourself walking there.

Hot Dog Heaven, and Maybe the Best Fries Ever.

Oh, Nathan's. Yeah, you can buy Nathan's hot dogs in the store. Or at Heidi's deli. Or whatever.

But they won't be made to order, and they won't come with amazing crinkle cut fries.

Nathan's hot dogs might be the only reason I would ever move to New York. They are traditional style, with natural casings (that little "pop" when you bite in will tell you if there are natural casings, btw). They don't get overpowered by condiments (important, because I eat mostly so I can put condiments on things).

But, most importantly, there are fries.

Kristen and I tried to think of fries we liked better. We couldn't. And that's quite a feat. They are thick cut, but not mushy or too stachy. They are soft inside with perfect crispness quotient outside. They come with a teeny-tiny fork to eat them with. They are perfection.

Also! Best tip we discovered in Vegas: If you catch it on the right day, the Coney Island area of the New York New York has a special: buy fries and a drink, and your hot dog is free. Yes, please.

New meaning to the phrase "garbage plate"

On Wednesday, I flew into Rochester, NY with a plan: visit what is known to a lot of foodies (including Jason Sheehan, of Westword fame) as one of the best cheeseburger places in America.

One small problem: we didn't have a rental car.

Three things happen when you don't have a rental car on one of these trips. One, we had to rely on our contact to drive us to where we were doing interviews. Two, no control over what you ate or when you ate. Three, the client probably isn't going to have the patience to drive you all over Rochester looking for said burger joint, especially when you've already spent 12 hours in an old van together over the better part of 36 hours.

So needless to say, I didn't end up at Schaller's Drive-In. Which is a huge disappointment in itself, but then, I had the bad fortunate to be tortured by the rest of the cuisine throughout central New York state.

Listen: Denver is not a mecca of great restaurants in the United States. But we get by. We are positively Paris-effing-France when compared to most of these places.

First, before we even arrived, I was pouring over Yelp on my iPhone looking for a sports bar within walking distance of our hotel (the Nuggets game, which I don't care to discuss). Then I found the Thirsty Turtle. 'Thirsty' implies booze - how could we lose? We went in, and immediately got the feeling that this was maybe not the place for a couple of out-of-towners. We got into an unfriendly conversation about the Red Wings with some unfriendly locals, and were saddened by the desperation you can only smell on those late 20-somethings stuck in Victor, with no prospects to get out. "It's good to get some local flavor," my cameraman would later tell me. 

As for the food, don't bother. As an ode to knowing I probably wasn't going to make it to Schaller's, I had a bacon cheeseburger that tasted like it was from a seriously dirty grill, and we split 10 hot wings that were not great, but at least were meaty.

The culinary abominations continued the next day. After a 3 1/2 hour drive to Walton, NY and a 2 hour shoot, we decided to stop at Papa's Diner. My cameraman, originally from Wayne, NJ, said he misses diners like this now that he lives in Colorado. I had the Walton Melt, which was chicken and peppers with some sort of (American? Swiss? I couldn't tell, which is a bad sign) cheese. There was also a lot of Elvis crap on the walls, which should have caused us to turn tail and run the second we walked in, but I'm an idiot and convinced us to "stay and try a little local flavor." Take that, cameraman.

That night, with no car and no energy, we walked the 1/2 mile to Chili's by the hotel, where we proceeded to eat basically none of our food (I picked at my disgusting Fajita Quesdillas) but drink a little bit (okay, a lot) too much.

Did I mention that was my birthday? Yep.

Finally, Friday we had another long drive to Angelica, NY (1 1/2 hours), where we built up an appetite shooting a landfill gas to electricity plant (yes, thank you for asking. The smell was incredibly appetizing). The food of central NY was almost vindicated when we stopped in Geneseo, NY for a burger at a bar called The Statesmen. Despite having one of those moments where you walk in and everyone stares at you for about 10 minutes. ("Not me," I plead with my eyes. "The cameraman looks like he'd be a lot better lay than me.") I had another bacon cheeseburger, which was actually very good. I maintain: you find the best cheeseburgers in America in dive bars.

Which brings me to the title of this blog: The garbage plate. Our gracious host told us about a place in Rochester called Nick Tahou Hots that serves what is called a "Garbage Plate", basically a big plate of hamburgers, hot dogs, macaroni, and the like. Why it's called a garbage plate, you got me, but it doesn't sound very good. I guess a lot of restaurants around Rochester have something like it nowadays. 

All that talk about what exactly goes into garbage plates was a fitting end to an underwhelming food trip in Rochester. Guess they slipped me the garbage plate the whole time I was there.

So is it Spicy?

This title sums up my first experiences with Ethiopian food. I like to think I'm rather daring when it comes to trying new food but I'll be the first to admit I'm a giant wuss when it comes to eating spicy food. The experience as I'll submit it to Hollywood...

Cast:
Kristen, a sarcastic foodie from Colorado, cautious about spicy food
Brandon, a sarcastic artist from Colorado, cautious about spicy food
Zach, Colorado native now living in Chicago, lover of Ethiopian food
Rachel, gal with international flair living in Chicago, loves Ethiopian food but knows none of the names of dishes.
Extra:
Friendly waiter
Scene:
Arada Restaurant.
Cast wanders hungrily down Santa Fe Blvd after taking in an art show.

Kristen:
sarcastically, "We could eat at that Ethiopian restaurant"
Zach/Rachel:
"Yeah!"
Kristen:
"uhhm ok"

Cast sits at table, reads menu
Kristen:
"What does this mean? Is this spicy? How does this work?"
Rachel:
"I don't know I just get served the stuff by my Ethiopian friends, it's good."
Brandon:
"Yeah I can't do spicy"
Zach:
"Uhm I think Berbere means spicy. I'm confused is this not family style?"
Brandon:
"Yeah Right!"
Rachel:
"It should be. I'm not that hungry"
Kristen:
"This one says mild, maybe I'll get that one"
(Yebeg Siga Alitcha, lamb stew with garlic and ginger)
Brandon:
"Oh I was going to get that one! "
Kristen:
"Fine, I'll get a different one."
Brandon:
"No, I'll get a different one."
Zach:
"No Way"
Kristen (to waiter):
Which ones are not spicy?
Waiter:
Anything that says "alitcha."
Kristen:
"Ok Brandon do you want chicken or lamb?"
Brandon:
"Chicken."
(Doro Alitcha: mild chicken with special Arada spices)
Kristen:
"Then I'll get the lamb. That waiter is really nice."
Zach:
"You lame losers, I'm getting spicy, spicy chicken!"
Waiter:
"Are you ready to order?"

Cast orders:
Yebeg Siga Alitcha
Doro Alitcha
Doro Wot (chicken in Berbere sauce)
Yatakilt Alitcha (potatoes, carrots, cabbage and onions)
Shrio Wot (chickpeas)
Tomato Fit Fit
Tomato Salad
Yater Alitcha (yellow split peas)
Yemiser Wot (spicy lentils)

Food Arrives, family style.
Waiter:
Explains dishes, serves food

Cast uses fingers and injera (a sour, soggy bread more like an un-fried tortilla) to eat.
Brandon sneakily takes candid Iphone photo of Kristen and food.

Cast stuffs themselves, eating much more than they should
Kristen:
"That spicy chicken isn't too spicy"
Brandon:
"Speak for yourself"
Rachel:
"Well then don't try the lentils"
Kristen:
"This is really good, especially the tomato fit fit, shiro wot, and the alitcha's"
Brandon:
"My chicken was the best!"
Zach:
"Bull Shit!"
Kristen:
"I'm glad I suggested this place"
Zach:
"I'm glad I took you seriously"
End Scene.

Well, my future might not be in screenplay writing but it will include more delicious food from Arada. I have my eyes on the Awaze Tips (Beef, berbere sauce, garlic and tomatoes) now that I know I can take the heat.

Mamma Knows Best!

As Carrie Bradshaw would say, "hello lover!" She was talking about shoes. I'll be talking about pizza. My favorite little pizza place in the MGM Grand, Las Vegas, Nevada to be exact.

I discovered Mamma Ilardo's a few years ago and now look forward to it every time I go to Vegas. Apparently it's a chain restaurant, which, sad for me, doesn't exist in the middle of the country. It does exist in the food court of the MGM past all the fancy restaurants.

The only thing I've ever gotten and the only thing I ever plan to get is the deep-dish pizza with sausage and pepperoni (double the pig, double the fun). Sara usually opts for the bread sticks so I'll go out on a limb and recommend them too. It's true I'm not a deep-dish expert (if I were I wouldn't fail at getting deep-dish every time I visit Chicago). Regardless of my status, this pizza is just damn good. Just the right amount of crunchy crust, sauce that isn't yuck like most pizza sauce, tasty sausage crumbles. I'd go on but my mouth is watering.

The point is it's good, it's fast, it's cheap (Vegas cheap) and most importantly it's ready at breakfast time. Mmmm breakfast of champions.

Don't make eye contact with a belly dancer

If you've learned one thing in the brief time we've had together, it's probably this.

I'm not necessarily the best communicator in the world. I eat - and I'm good at that. (Most obviously.) I drink - I'm pretty good at that. (I've got a no-vomit streak going, and that's not going to end anytime soon.) I can hold a conversation with most people. But when it comes to playing cat and mouse with someone who is half-naked and gyrating like a top, not so much.

Friday night, my friend Marcedes, her husband Matt, and our friend Tom all went to Mataam Fez, 4609 E. Colfax Ave., for dinner. You don't need me to tell you about Colfax east of Colorado Boulevard. Lacking the charm of Capitol Hill Colfax and Golden Colfax, this part of Colfax is the part that you speed through. I wouldn't call it scary, but it's definitely run down - it reminds me more of Detroit than any other part of Colorado. 

Anyway, it's not the best part of town. This little place has received 3 1/2 out of 5 stars on Yelp and I guess I'm just going to have to disagree. The service was hit or miss. Our hostess, who also functioned as a tea giver (giver of teas? Is that her formal title?) was warm, friendly and helpful. But our server couldn't be bothered. 

Dude, you had like 3 tables. And you still forgot my beer.

Did I mention there was a belly dancer? *Puts "Man Hat" on* She was probably in her middle 40s, which is not a problem, and in great shape, but I just have a problem gawking at women who are mere seconds younger than my mom. So she walks by, hips flying, hand cymbals flailing, and I make the mistake of a lifetime.

I looked at her in the eyes.

In that moment, I glanced at the hint of a life unfulfilled. Dancing for tips, smiling at all manner of food-inhaling gawkers. And I must have given her the sad eyes. Because after she got the sword out (yes, the sword. Which she proceeded to swing about wildly) she wouldn't leave us alone. So Matt gives me a dollar, in the hopes that her money lust will be fulfilled by a single dollar and she'll go away. "Where do I put it?" I ask. They laugh and point to her bottom/underwear thing. 

So in an attempt to not catch her desperation, I try to hand her the dollar. And she looks at me, points to her crotch and says, There. Like she's a stripper or something. 

Needless to say, I very gingerly place the dollar in her whatever-you-call-it and turn around. Slowly, so as not to disturb the stripper, I mean dancer, in her natural habitat.

On a normal day, I can forget all of that. As long as the food is good, I don't care if I get a smile with my service.

AS LONG AS THE FOOD IS GOOD.

Decent. Edible. Different. These are all adjectives that I would use to describe the food. 

Our first course was a Lentil and Lamb soup in a tomato base. It was good, but a little bit too salty for my taste. And I love salty things. Our second course was a plate full of various vegetables cooked different ways - nothing to write home about, except maybe the carrots that had been cooked in a hot sauce. Our third course was a meat dessert pie, which was by far the highlight of the meal. Fourth came our entrees - mine, Lamb in a honey-almond sauce. Again, meh. Finally, tea, which was chai-like and waaaay too sweet.

I took pictures of all our food, but will only threaten you with these two.

If you like to wear a towel over your left shoulder and use it as a napkin, give this place a try. If you like to make awkward eye contact with half naked women, give this place a try. If you are ready to endure mediocre food for one good course, by all means, give Mataam Fez a try.

Intentional Food Snobs, Accidental Winos

I go to Vegas for the food. That's right, shocking.

Imagine my euphoria when we discovered that the majority of the nice restaurants in the MGM Grand were having spring tasting menus (through the 31st of May). That's like winning at a slot machine people.

After much debate, my group of girlfriends and I decided to go big time and go to Nob Hill Tavern. I campaigned hard for this choice as previously we had merely had appetizers and two drinks and it cost $80 and now I could get 4-courses for $49! Winner? Me.

As a table we decided to invest in a bottle of wine, that's what highbrow people do after all. Still though as none of us have reached our full Housewives of Denver status we picked a cheaper* Pinot Noir on the list. We informed our Sommelier of our wine selection and he seemed unusually excited about our cheapo* bottle of wine. More on this later.

Then the food came! (cue the ding!ding!ding! of winning a jackpot)

We received two pots of delicious gruyere fondue with sourdough bread. Oh so tasty. That's Lizzie in the background and Sara the hand model. Then came the first courses. I opted for the cream of broccoli soup and was ever so pleasantly surprised when grilled cheese came with it. I'm not crazy about grilled cheese probably because I have an aversion to Kraft Singles but this grilled cheese was no "I'm in college and I'm broke grilled cheese." The cheese wasn't mysteriously salty and it was grilled just right. There was also bacon in the soup. If you don't already know bacon makes every food better and I mean EVERY food.

Bring on the Main Courses! By this time I'm already feeling the pinch of too much food. I probably went a little too hard at that fondue out of pure excitement. After leaving half of the grilled cheese behind as a causality I was greeted with this magnificent dish.


I won't lie when the menu said Braised Short Rib with Root Vegetables and Mashed Potatoes I didn't exactly know what Braised Short Rib meant. I chose it because it had me at Mashed Potatoes. As it turns out a Braised Short Rib is like a pot roast, a pot roast from Heaven. It was better than grandma's. I never thought I would say that, I'm sorry grandma. I wanted to eat it all but and I tried my hardest, until my stomach was audibly yelping in pain. I did make a tiny bit of room to try Sara's dish, Chicken and Dumplings. To which my official review was and will remain, "I didn't know chicken could taste that good!"



For dessert I had Irish coffee creme brulee (I don't know how to make fancy accent marks) and by this time I must have been so delirious by deliciousness that I neglected to take a picture. It was beautiful and fabulous and somehow I managed to eat it all.

Finally it was time to go. Our bill arrived and to our surprise (or maybe for some, horror). We had not ordered at cheap bottle of wine. I even checked with our adorable Sommelier to be sure we weren't all food drunk or actually drunk, as we had finished the bottle. We were neither. Instead we had accidentally ordered a 2006 Kosta Browne from Kanzler Vineyards* costing over $200. Nothing to say to that except that fate wants us to be as fancy as we pretend. So go to Nob Hill Tavern they'll assume you fit in and perhaps you'll accidentally prove that you do.

Today's Special: Have a Semi-Decent Day!

Do you like goat cheese and arugula omelets? How about quinoa pancakes?
Then this post isn't for you....

If your family is like my family (highly doubtful), your mother likes to be treated extra special on Mother's Day by being taken to a nice breakfast, at the neighborhood greasy spoon diner.

The Village Coffee Shop in Boulder is a family tradition. What can I say? We are classy people. What do most classy people like? Perfect, cheap hash browns, that's what. If you disagree it's because you're just posing as classy, pathetic really.

Let me break it down for you (as you are likely still having issues coming to grips with your lack of classy at the moment). It's a diner. A magical 890 square foot diner. You've got your stationary 2-tops, 4-tops, and counter seating. You also have your regular waitstaff, who I'm sure if you go often enough you'll get to know by name, a mission that my brother is trying to complete before graduation. He just wants to order "the regular," wouldn't we all....

I almost exclusively get a half order of biscuits and gravy with a side of hash browns. This is more food than I can actually eat for $4. For the sake of journalism I ventured out today. I had the Denver omelet that came with those perfect hash browns (crispy on the outside, soft inside and no wading pool of grease, well maybe just a little) and some toast ($7.50). I don't like eggs that much and I don't like green peppers that much but I really liked this Denver Omelet, so it must have been spectacular. Oh, I also had some hot chocolate the kind that comes with a tower of Redi-Whip on top, yum.

When you go (as soon as you get over yourself you arugula snob), if you go on a weekend expect to wait in a line. Don't fret it moves very quickly, especially if you stare at the people eating through the window. Expect to have a cheap, fast and lovely breakfast. Finally and MOST IMPORTANTLY tell the waitress if you or other members of your party are visiting for the first time. They likely won't ask but if you volunteer the information, you'll get a special surprise.