The Colorado Highway System Can Suck It.

I can say this because this is the second time this year I have been trapped on a highway this year and today it wasn't even snowing.

Time of Departure from Glenwood Springs, CO: approx. 5:30 pm

Planned Arrival: 8 PM, Downtown Denver

Time of Return to Glenwood Springs, CO: 11:00 pm

Time in car total: 5.5 Hours

Total distance traveled: 82 miles

Avg Miles per hour: 14.9

Route: Interstate 70

Area of Entrapment: Mile Marker 153 to 157, Eagle County, Colorado

Honestly, it's one thing if it's ski season and it's a Sunday afternoon/evening. Everyone knows that from November to April this traffic equation is always true:

Sunday evening + SUV + California license plates + precipitation = Sitting on I-70 for hours.
(Give or take precipitation) (Also SUV = pick up truck; California license plates = Texas license plates)

It comes as a surprise to me that apparently the equation can simply be reduced to:

Sunday evening = Sitting on I-70 for hours.

I know this is technically MY fault for not thinking to check the traffic on this perfectly sunny July day. After being unwillingly trapped in Eagle County, Colorado I can't help but feel a bit of a kinderance with Kobe Bryant's groupies so let's quit the victim blaming, deal?

There were many things that helped me through this nearly traumatic time and if you ever plan to travel along I-70 I suggest you bring these along:
cold leftover sesame chicken, 1 half a bottle of old water, music from the Knife, a paperback NY Times Best Selling Novel (My Sister's Keeper, was my goodie), a dying cell-phone (the dying helps the dramatic effect), a snide thing to think about every driver around you and this travel quote from modern-day philosopher Jimmy Buffett, "You can throw your luggage down, lose your cool and stomp around but there's nothing, nothing you can do."

But seriously 5+ hours? There has got to be a better method, perhaps a sign near the entrance to I-70, even a hand written one that reads "I wouldn't go this way, buddy!" would have been good enough for me.

And finally the photo that killed my phone battery, which also turned out to be much less dramatic than I had hoped it would be:

Not to brag...

...but I'm kind of a badass.

A piece of Durian, right before I ate it, swallowed it and ate more.




A video of Andrew Zimmern spitting Durian out.

The Second-Saddest Place on Earth

Detroit might have it nailed down in the "saddest place on Earth" category, but Albuquerque could close in on it if it doesn't watch its back.

I'm in town for a business trip, leaving tomorrow for the happiest place on Earth, Disney World (duh). But for the moment, I'm in the Hyatt business center (Hyatt=very nice rooms, good pool, decor circa 1993), and here I will recount a little tale about my time in Albuquerque, NM.

I got here and thought, "Hey, not so bad!" It was a reaction spurred by not-so-stellar reviews of the city from, well, pretty much everyone who had been here before me. It was warm. It looked like they had some urban renewal projects going on. There were trees by my hotel. There seemed to be things within walking distance. But soon, my hopes were dashed. To summarize:

Biggest Disappointment
Brazilian food at Tucanos. Turns out this is a chain restaurant, not quite what we had in mind. Anyone remember the Mongolian BBQ in Boulder? This place was that place, only with large skewers of meat instead of grills. And a super wierd salad bar that contained things like garlic mashed potatoes juxtaposed with quail eggs and beef stroganoff. Hm. Also, beware of Tucanos if it is your birthday. They will bang lots of congas and sing in something that I must only assume is Brazilian. There were a lot of birthdays that night. However, local beers were on tap and I had an IPA from the local Marble Brewery which was really quite good. And the old Route 66 area is pretty cool - old neon signs and the like, but not somewhere a lady should be alone at night.

Biggest Fun Surprise
There is a HUGE brigade of bicycle-riding policemen in Albuquerque. This didn't make up for the fact that the 7-11 closed at 9 (as opposed to, you know, 11) or that I counted five passed out drunk dudes and a puddle of vomit in the five minutes it took to walk to the 7-11. Remember how I was heartened by the urban renewal? I think they forgot to finish it.

Biggest Historic Sighting
We ate dinner at the Church Street Cafe in Old Town, which is housed in what the menu claims may be the oldest building in Albuquerque (early 1700s!). Very cool little place with a nice patio and tasty sangria. Sadly, not the best Mexican food, particularly if you enjoy things that are spicy, or, for that matter, things that have salt in them. Nice ambiance, though. Old town is also super cute in the tourist way and there's lots of shopping, some of which is wicked cool, like Santisima - seriously one of the most interesting stores I've ever visited; made me wish my suitcase was way bigger and I was way richer.

Biggest Not-Fun Surprise
My dining companions and I were chilling on the corner waiting for the bus when, out of nowhere, a little to-go side order of salsa flew out a car window as the passenger of said car let out a maniacal cackle. Salsa was everywhere, the carnage smelled of jalapeno. I avoided the drive-by salsing but others weren't so lucky. Then we got on a bus that had a big ad across the ceiling that said, simply, "AIDS." I later saw a bus with a similar sign advertising "SYPHILIS". Wtf.

Biggest Delight
Get ready for a shameless plug. Coworker and I lunched at a restaurant owned by two of our (now married) culinary grads called Cafe Green. It's a French breakfast and lunch joint that had the most delicious (and beautiful) chicken salad sandwich I have ever laid eyes on. Crispy French baguette, cranberries, cucumber, walnuts, hard boiled egg, chives, salt and pepper. Simple and delicious; plus it came with a side of truffle fries. Joy! The menu rotates seasonally based on what is fresh and local. If you ever find yourself here, get there sometime before 2 p.m. and eat well.

Rain ruins potentially awesome blog post, and other misadventures

What we planned to do in Montrose:

• Hike in the Box Canyon in Ouray with my favorite baby, Castelle. (Photo is of Cas and Brooke, his mom, at the Black Canyon)
• Go garage sale-ing.
• Go for a nice long bike ride toward Gunnison.
• Go to the naked hot springs, Orvis, in Ridgeway.
• Have a picnic.
• Hang out at the pool at the Best Western Red Arrow, my favorite hotel in the world (disclosure: it is managed by Castelle's mom and dad).

What actually happened in Montrose:

• It rained.
  
• A lot.
• Wtf.
  

So stay tuned for a real blog post about the loveliness that is Montrose, CO. Beyond the meth addicts and crime problem, it's really quite a nice area. Of course, I really like deserts; to each his own.

Three things I can write about in spite of inclement weather:

• Pollux. I miss shopping so much. Glenwood has, um, Target (which I love, you know that, Target) but I haven't found a store here that caters to my personal style, if you will. Luckily for me, I have Pollux (there's also a location in Grand Junction). Last time, I spent an amount I am embarrassed about. This time, I kept it to a hat that looks sort of like this. Cute. Go me, with the willpower.
• Belly. In addition to being my favorite word, this is also a new-ish restaurant in Montrose. Excellent Friday night specials for the ladies ($1 wells), good live music Saturday nights. Food: average, though I hear the coconut shrimp are pretty great. BLT had lots of bacon, which made me happy enough. Oh, and apparently Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beale ate there once when they were in Telluride. So it's kind of like I'm famous now.
  
• 
• Suds. Sure, it may not be the best bar in town, but it's home. They don't serve food. Unless you count hot pockets as food. They don't have a patio. Unless you count the back alley. BUT: colorful characters abound, it's worthwhile to get to know the bartenders, and sometimes there is karaoke. Plus sometimes the bartenders jump over the bar to break up fights. So it's kind of like Roadhouse. You can also smoke in the bar, which may be good or bad, depending on your habits.

Albuquerque here I come!

Booked flight/hotel for my trip to beautiful Albuquerque NM this morning.

Front desk clerk: "Would you like a mountain view or a city view from your room?"

There are mountains in Albuquerque? Wtf?

This led me to wonder what else there is about this city I don't know. I'm gonna be there for three whole days - plenty of explorations time.

So, dear readers, I am soliciting your advice. If you comment here and tell me what to do in the desert, I promise I will, to the best of my abilities, attempt to try it. And take photos. Because right at this moment the only thing anyone has suggested is that there is a really awesome lesbian bar. Hm.